I feel a huge transitional period coming on. I decided to make a new journal.
I added everyone that I talk to.
If I didn't add its because I don't like to read your entries or we just don't talk.
Sorry if I've caused trouble.
Thanks.
Bye.

Well, I guess my mom found a house. That's good. I'm excited. But at first I felt really sick and I couldn't talk because of the horrible knot in my throat. I'm not sad to be leaving I'm scared. I'm scared of what my dad may do. I don't know what he is going to end up doing but I know that he's going to be very very upset and say that my mom is just trying to turn everyone against him. Which is untrue he does it himself.

So, I was sitting in my room looking around and I started crying because I have so many things. So many things that I have that I love dearly. And this thought went across my mind: What if he tries to take this stuff from me? That's when I really started crying. I'm planning on cleaning today to make things easier.

I'm not sure if its definite that we're moving but I'm pretty sure that my mom will take it. Rent is only $450. I guess that's good or that's what my mom said anyway. She asked if I was mad at her and I said no because this has to happen. And I told her that I was just afraid and she told me not to worry because she wouldn't let anything happen to me and that she wasn't going anywhere. And I think she knew that I was afraid that he might take my stuff and she told me that he didn't have the right to take anything that was in my room because its mine. That made me feel a little better.

I'm also afraid that I won't get to go to the drag races this year. That made me cry again. I really love going there. And he might not take me to car shows or Pacific Junction or anything. I'm almost sure that he's going to be mad at me for not saying anything to him. He deserves this. Now he'll regret ever touching my mom and sister and regret being an ass to me and yelling at Madisyn. He'll regret all the times he talked bad about my mom calling her a bad mother and saying that she's lazy. Its all going to be shoved in his face.

MY BIRTHDAY IS GOING TO BE POOPY!!!!

I'm going to start looking for a new job  because I think it will be weird working with my dad after all this has happend. So, I guess that I'm going to apply everywhere that will hire me. Including fast food places. D:

All I know is that in the next month I'm going to be needing alot of hugs. I think I need Aubrey and Sean the most right now. Maybe its because they'll reassure me that everything will be fine or maybe its because I'm the closest to them. I dunno. As long as I have them I'll have everything.


                                                                                                              Everything is going to be okay. 

 everything got smashed yesterday. i was supposed to go bowling with aubrey, tret, sean, patrick, rose, and my mom. turns out that the didn't fucking have open bowling because of the stupid tournaments. it probably isn't such a big deal to you but it is to me. all those people i listed are all the people i need around me 24/7 but i can't have them because everytime we make plans they get ruined. i wanted to see sean badly. and i probably won't get to for another month or two. and i really just needed a break from home. a place where i could smile and laugh until i pee. that would have been nice. damn.

instead we went out to eat at famous dave's and we took aubrey with us. it was pretty fun, i guess. we practiced our spanish and made fun of each other. we had a half an hour wait on our table so i got to enjoy the sunshine with aubrey and watch a bird freak out. my sandwich was really good. and on the way home aubrey and i listened to music. i hope she had a good time.


at the moment i'm really hungry and can't decide what to eat. i feel really dizzy. i should probably eat something soon.

byez.

 fuck this shit.


i'm done. :(

so today was sofuckingstupid.
senor held me after class because i make it impossible for anyone to learn.
wtf, everyone else was talking in englis too.
aubrey's mom apparently thinks i'm rude.
but i could say much worse things about her but i won't because i don't want to sink to her level.
i'm so angry i just want to fucking beat the living shit out of someone that really deserves it.
i had anxiety attacks in my sleep these last two nights.
sldkjfaslkdfjaslkdfjsaldkfjsadlfkjsaldfkjsaldkfjasdklfj
FUCK.







+ i need hugz.

 

Even though I had an amazing day yesterday for some reason that cannot be explained my anxiety started acting up.
I took some of my medicine and I calmed down but I wasn't me I was the me that is brought to you by DRUGS.
I hate that. I start getting really sleepy. I don't want to eat. I don't remember things. I'm a mess.
Then after a while of just sitting and staring at the ceiling I slip slowly into the depths of my mind and have some really really really strange dreams.
I don't want to say that I haven't been dreaming lately so I'll just say that I haven't dreamed of anything that's important enough to remember.
In the dreams that I have while my anxiety is acting up everything that I'm afraid of  everything that is so silly to even imagine happens.
I know what you're saying, "Lex, it's just a dream. It isn't real. Don't worry about it". But I do worry about it becaue having dreams like that makes my worriedness even worse and that leads to anxiety attacks in my sleep.
Those are my worst enemy. For real.

When I'm feeling like I'm feeling now (the feeling of suffocation) I want to be left alone. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be spoken to. I don't want to hear or see anything. I don't even want to sleep. But at the same time I don't want to be left alone. 
It's really hard to explain and I know you probably don't understand but that's the truth.

I think I need to be visiting the doctor soon if this keeps acting up.

Now since I've written this I'm a little more calm. I just need to keep it that way.

 I feel a whole lot better.

I was visited by the most amazing man in the world.
My brother.
My best friend.
James. <3
Man, I haven't seen him in sooooooooooooo long.
I was afraid he wasn't going to show up.
But he did!
Abby had a present for me and James just took me into the other room for a bit to talk about things.
He's going to be going away soon.
For college.
He promises to call when he can and write me letters all the time.
I'll miss him.

Thank you for an amazing day, my big brother, James.
I love you.

 "Heres to the night we felt alive
Heres to the tears you knew youd cry
Heres to goodbye tomorrows gone and come too soon"

That makes me feel infinite.




I feel like I've been hit upside the head with something extremely heavy. It hurts so bad.

Anyway, if today were to have a color it would be gray. Doesn't matter what shade of gray but it would be gray. Even though the sun is shining and its absolutely beautiful outside it would be gray. Nothing amazing happend at all today and I was waiting just waiting for the moment when I found out that I was going on an adventure. Damn.

I'm not currently excited for anything.

I go to Adventure Land May 14 and my birthday is June 7.
And both of those are forever away.



Damn. Smash the conspiracy!!!!

Someone please come rescue me and take me on an adventure.

 I AM SCREAMING FOR ATTENTION!!!

and not getting it.
i am a fool to think that throwing a fit gets us what we want.
oh, man.
if he could see me right now i'd guarentee that he would be repulsed.
i need to get out of here.

 I'd just like to say that...

Heres to the Night by Eve 6 gives me a feeling of infinity.
Like Charlie feels in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I didn't think I'd ever feel it.
But I am.
And I don't ever want it to go away.









And I'm done.

You seriously should...


Come back to work, Andy. It isn't the same without.


I think I escaped today with at least five paper cuts. 


I guess today was and okay day minus that damn eight year old whore that calls me gross.
I should freak her out in some way.
Any ideas?

I have decided that...




Work is very very very disappointing when Andy isn't there to give me crap and talk to me about school.



Damn.




(btw, today was almost as good as yesterday.)

yeah yesterday was a happy day for me!

i got to see paige!
she's in a group home, now.
we took her to buy clothes for court because she wanted to look nice.

i was happy to see her and gave her a hug and a kiss.
we basically just wandered off and talked about stuff.
she talked about her mom and cried.
and i talked about how i'm suffocating and need some room to breathe.
she's held me while i cried and i did the same for her.

i seriously don't know what i'd do if i lost her.
and if things go right and she gets to go home after court.
her case worker said that she wants her to stay with us for like a week at a time during the summer.
that excites me.
that means that we will be together on our birthday for the first time in like forrrrever.

yay!

i also did a little shopping of my own.
i bought a lost boys shirt and a john lennon shirt.
a huge box of nag champa inscense.
i bought seanathon a sublim shirt and a him pin to go with his coat.


i feel a little better.
but who knows what's going to happen.
i have to go see family in a bit.
its my nieces birthday.

 sometimes, i wish i could i had wings so that i could fly away.
i'd fly away to a land where the sun always shines and the people are always happy. maybe i could take someone with me. maybe i'll take wade. i'd have the greatest time. we'd make believe that we were pirates and fight till death! oh, that would be amazing. i could possibly take my best friend forever, james, and we'd climb trees, build catapolts and eat bacon. since the point of flying away to this world is to be the happiest person alive i should probably take all my friends. aubrey, sean, payton, trent, wade, mattie, james, julia, and all the others that make me happy all the time. we'd live together as a family. and be truly happy forever. to bad that i just made up this place where the sun always shines and the people are always happy. it means nothing at all except that i have an active imagination.
nothing more.










(yeah, i wrote that the other day in spanish. only it was longer. i changed it a little.) 











i haven't said a word to anyone about anything. i think i'm making myself sick like i do when thinks aren't well.
i don't even know what's wrong. i just know that i feel suffocated and i can't sleep at all. i need someone to talk to that knows nothing.
not sean. i love sean to death and he's amazing but he doesn't understand this kind of stuff. he just makes me laught and i magically go from bad mood to good mood. but i need someone that understands what its like to feel like you're sitting in and overcrowded room when there's no one in the room at all.



i need help.
end of story.

                                                                             
lately i've been caught up in my reading and playing video games. i'm reading dreamcatcher by stephen king and then i shall be reading the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. i've also been playing mario party ds like crazy and i hardly ever put it down unless its to read.

i haven't really been caring about anything lately. which is indeed strange for me. i don't care about school, my grades, anything. i do nothing. i just sit and go into different worlds with by books and video games. i'm slacking in school and in life. i'm a loser. D:

i basically want to cry everytime i open my mouth to speak. i don't really understand that either. D: